She paused and said with a quiet despair, “I just don’t know what to do!”. We both sat in silence for a moment, allowing the statement to hang in the air, because we both knew it wasn’t true. Everything she’d said in the first few minutes of our call had made it clear she knew exactly what she wanted to do, but she was afraid. And there’s a big difference.
So often when we’re feeling stuck, it’s not that we don’t know what to do - it’s that we’re frightened -
😨 Frightened of the unknown
😨 Frightened of making a mistake
😨 Frightened of starting again
😨 Frightened of what others might think
😨 Frightened of hurting or disappointing people
😨 Frightened of letting go of something good in the hope of something better
Each of these fears feel like familiar friends to me. They can all be alive and kicking in one form or another every single day, and they can be the powerful forces that run quietly through our unconscious choices.
But my spidy-senses tell me that we’re frightened of the wrong things. Perhaps we should be more frightened of staying small because we were too afraid to try or ask. Perhaps we should be more frightened of missing the amazing chances life offers us to live a more joyful, meaningful and brave life. More frightened of getting to the end of this one precious life and seeing how silly our fears of perceived failure and judgement were, how playing it safe didn’t work at all as we never really got to FULLY LIVE while we were here.
Fear is a truly potent force – not to be avoided, denied or even feared, but rather appreciated as a useful guide, showing us all of the places of un-growth, where we need to grow our brave. It's useful to have fear along for the ride – like a dashboard telling us what's needed from day to day - but we definitely don't want fear in the driving seat. Now that would be a tragedy.
So where are you right now my love, are you looking for answers or are you looking for courage?
Pssst – here’s a secret, YOU ALREADY KNOW
Each of us has an internal navigation system – an inner compass – that knows exactly what we want, what helps us to thrive, what lights us up and what we need. All mammals do. It's an everchanging landscape as, what we want changes as we grow and evolve (side note – healthy humans are supposed to grow and evolve). And so listening inwards and paying close attention to when our internal sense is being pulled in a certain direction is essential.
But often we make decisions by paying attention to external signals and standards. We follow cultural standards of “success” and what we believe our friends and family might approve of, ignoring any quiet protest from within (glass of wine anyone?)
That’s especially common at this time in history, when we have a magnifying glass over the window of our lives through social media. We can unconsciously default to do whatever our culture admires: busying ourselves with all the things, overworking, sacrificing ourselves at the altar of being ‘good’ or impressive, to be the perfect ….(fill in the gap - mother, wife, friend, daughter, boss), to look flawless (without letting anyone know how hard we try at this), having all the right things and posting the right images on social media. It’s a mess. And we’re all at it in one way or another.
Learning how to betray myself became a second language as I was growing up. And so, learning how to listen in, speak to and live from a place of truth can still feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable – like I’m breaking some kind of unspoken contract.
The first step to disrupt this crazy idea is simply giving ourselves permission to acknowledge what we're truly feeling, needing or wanting – even just to ourselves. To not do this - to deny what we already know - brings a special slither of pain, as we have to somehow separate ourselves inside (ouch!). No matter how hard we try, we can’t ‘not know’ what we know, even if we shove it away somewhere in the deep recesses of ourselves. This just causes us to do all sorts of weird things like acting out and indulging in unhealthy + compulsive habits, or criticising, complaining and blaming to name just a few.
GROWING OUR BRAVE
Once we let ourselves know what’s true and sit in the scariness of that for a beat, the path forward is now becoming more comfortable with that truth. Eeek!
This can be challenging, as what's true for us is often in conflict with what we believe is expected from us – by our friends, partners, kids, parents, colleagues and culture - which is all a bit messy and inconvenient. And so we try and keep things nice and tidy by talking ourselves out of this truthy-truth. But that doesn't work either, because now we’re showing up (or rather, not showing up) by pretending. And I’m yet to be convinced the people in our lives who really love us and care about us, would want us to be pretending. Perhaps they can even sense our pretence and now they have to pretend too – which, let's agree, is just a whole messed up system.
I know it's scary and I know being honest feels like the worst possible thing, but here's something to really wrap your head around as it makes all the difference. Ok, are you ready?......
There’s no such thing as one-way liberation!
Please read that again sentence again, it’s so important we really know this. That we tell the truth and live from that please, everyone - and I mean EVERYONE - is set free.
✨When we leave a job we no longer want, we free our colleagues and managers and let them work with someone who’s all in and really wants to be there.
✨When we end a partnership we checked out of long ago and have been living with one foot out the door, we free the other person to find someone who really loves them exactly as they are right now (not their potential!) – and they deserve that.
✨When we choose to stay, but only in an authentic way – letting go of people pleasing, performing and holding the system together, and instead making a commitment to be all in and fully ourselves, and asking for that be encouraged, supported and celebrated – guess what? We invite and give permission to the other person to do the same and let the whole ecosystem evolve into something more real and sustainable.
✨When we step away from a friendship that feels like it’s run its course, we free the other person to find friends who can meet them fully at this stage of their life, in all the beautiful ways they’ve changed and grown.
✨When we commit to being true to our yes and no, no matter what, we let the people in our lives really see us, and let them find new and creative ways to grow and have their needs met
✨When we tell the truth and live from that place, we give others full permission to do the same – and hurrah, NOW we find true intimacy, true relationship and love. Now isn’t that a grand ol’ thing!
My darling, staying with the status quo out of loyalty or duty or fear is not loving or kind. I repeat, it is NOT loving or kind - to you or the people in your life. I know it feels like it is, but honestly it isn’t (try that on as an idea and see if it’s true). With real gentleness, can you see you’re not really doing them a favour at all, you’re not protecting them or preventing their pain, but you might perhaps be avoiding your own.
(Take a deep breath if that just hit home)
Getting still and quiet with yourself is the most powerful and most peaceful way I know how to get to truth and your courage. (Option B is exploding, Option C is imploding – neither of these feel like attractive options).
Here's a simple and potent practice you might want to try
1. Find a quiet spot where you won’t be disturbed for a while
2. Ask yourself a question, such as ‘What would I do about this situation if I wasn’t afraid?’ Or “What would I do if I trusted myself completely?”
3. Now, don’t ‘think’ of the answer, but just let the question drop into your body like a pebble dropping into a lake….and wait
4. Then listen to what your body knows is true
5. If it’s unclear, take a deep breath and drop the question in again, and wait.
6. Do this as many times as you need. The answers will come if you’re willing. And if it’s not today, then try again tomorrow.
My favourite thing to tell my clients is “Your Operating Instructions and Batteries are included”.
You have the answers and guide for your life AND you have the power and courage to live into those answers. It’s all in there somewhere, I promise. You’re braver than you know - you just haven’t met that version of yourself yet!
Keep going in. Everything you need is in there.
This is the place where I meet the women I work with, helping them walk out of feeling lost, confused and frustrated, and into more clarity. I then share the tools that will carve out a new way of being and help them find their courage to take that next brave small step (or giant leap…..you choose!)
For me, this practice of getting quiet and still is no longer a nice idea when I have the time, but has become integral to my emotional and mental wellbeing. We can do this in big ways – take a trip, go on a retreat, take a break from the relationship or go off sick. I’m about to head off into my annual week-long silent retreat and I can’t wait, because I KNOW the silence will be full of answers.
But you don’t have to wait for these big events or chunks of time. You can find it in small ways, by stopping to take a moment, and check your inner compass (your body, not your mind) before every decision, large or small.
The reward? Well, how about a full human experience with emotions at full dosage – a life where you've been fully present and fully used up, where you left everything on the field and feel at peace with your lot. Not bad eh?!
If this is where you are right now, please know you are not alone. ALL of the women I work with (heck, all the women I know!) are somewhere in this process. If you want help in finding your way to clarity and confidence, I’m right here and I can help.
If you feel ready to make a change and need a wing girl with a ton of experience in navigating change, go ahead and book a 30-minute no-obligation discovery call.
We’ll quickly get clear on your specific situation and challenges, and together we'll work out a plan to get you back on track with a life where you feel fully your WHOLE SELF again.
You are wiser and stronger than you know - honestly you are. Close your eyes, feel into your body and see if that’s a truthy-truth. And if you need help pulling it out of you, then get in touch.
Be brave my truth-telling beacon of light, there is freedom on the other side – freedom for everyone to be more fully themselves and live a glorious life,
Your fellow traveller,
Deborah 💛
PS – did this resonate with you? If so, reply and message me – I LOVE getting your messages when something has landed just at the right time!
PPS - know someone who might find this useful? Be a good friend and forward this email to them. It might really help
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