You don't need a Plan. You need Perspective

deborahberrymanyog
7 hours ago
5 min read

Dear Love

I don’t know about you, but by this time in mid-December, I’m 70% woman, 30% crumbling Christmas pudding - sweet on the outside, but a little bit sagging in the middle.

Grateful for sure, and looking forward to spending time with folks I love. But also googling “silent retreats where no one talks to me for a week.”

It’s this bizarre combo: my body slowing down, life speeding up, and the pressure to tie up the year in a neat little bow (what even is that?!)

Just wow.

And no matter how well I plan for, or make space for this “seasonal madness”, I’m tired to my bones and longing for a few days to curl up, where nobody needs anything from me. You too?

And I know I’m not the only one. The women in my world say the same things:

“This year has been… a lot.”

“I’ve worked myself to exhaustion and still feel behind.”

“My shoulders live up by my ears.”

“I’m waking up tired and somehow still wired at night.”

And the one that lands hardest: “Why does my life feel off track? Like I’m going through the motions but not being who I really am?”

Oof. There it is.

This time at the end of year holds up a mirror to our lives, and sometimes we don’t like what’s looking back.

Eighteen years ago, I actually did it. I ran away. To India.

To recover from this madness, yes. But it was bigger than that.

I was in a special sliver of pain where my life looked great on the outside – well paid job, lovely partner, a fledgling yoga career.

But Inside? Quiet mutiny.

I was desperately trying to reconcile the woman I was becoming with the life I was still living - over-functioning, people-pleasing, hustling for worthiness. I knew better but somehow couldn’t shake off these life-long patterns. Nor the gnawing longing for more.

Not more to do (good lord, no). Just more than ‘this’ - more meaning, more joy, more space, more…..well, me!

I didn’t need a tweak – I needed a complete realignment.

But figuring that out in the grind of daily life felt impossible. My nervous system was fried. I kept moving deckchairs around the Titanic instead of dealing with the gaping hole below deck.

So I booked a trip to India, because honestly, I didn’t know what else to do.

Landing in this warm and sunny spiritual homeland mid-winter, my body let out a deep exhale: “Oh thank you Lord”

Sunshine on my tired winter skin.

Bright colours everywhere.

Life in full volume.

Simple living.

Chaos that absolutely shouldn’t work but does.

My whole system shifted. And soon that quiet inner voice emerged:

“Oh. I’m still in here.”

I hadn’t ‘gone’ anywhere. I was just covered over with years of shoulds, responsibilities and expectations. Off course and heading straight for the damn iceberg.

That insight was lifechanging for me.

Now let me be clear. I didn’t suddenly “figure out my life”. That’s not how it works.

But I got quiet enough to hear the truth. And brave enough to face it.

I saw with uncomfortable clarity I’d been outsourcing my life to other people’s ideas of a “good life” and what a “good woman” should want.

I saw my job wasn’t right for me anymore, no matter how many perks they thew my way.

And my relationship either needed to grow or go.

Within a year, I left both.

I was scared and full of self-doubt. It was real messy.

But it was the beginning of building a life based on how I wanted to feel, not how it needed to look.

Being away and having perspective did that.

Not a planner.

Not a resolution.

Not a new routine.

Actual space, softness, sunlight, and time where nobody needed anything from me.

That trip gave me a new anchor point. And I’ve been going away to ‘check my compass’ every year since. In this season of life, there is nothing more important to me than living a life of intention and alignment.

We all need something like this.

Especially in the thick of life - kids, clients, ageing parents, laundry piles, too many unread WhatsApps.

We need a lighthouse in the distance.

A place and time where we stop surviving and start remembering.

That we’re not here to just cope, perform, or hold it all together. We’re here to feel it all, to live wide open, and to become the most honest version of ourselves. To expand, to laugh-cry at the beauty and madness of it all… And to live in full technicolour, not muted grey. The whole damn thing.

We don’t have to burn it all down. But we may need to course correct a bit (ok, maybe a lot!)

Your lighthouse doesn’t have to be India. It might be:

– a Sunday morning walk alone, no small talk

– a one-day retreat or workshop with people who get you

– a long, solo lunch with your journal

– a room booked in a quiet cottage somewhere, just for you

– even a bath, a book, and an unspoken agreement that nobody interrupts

Something that lets you get onto the riverbank of your life, even briefly, while it keeps flowing past.

So you can take stock.

And remember your ‘true’ self. Your whole self. Not just the parts that have had to take over to keep this show on the road.

I also believe in stacking your lighthouses. Have something in the diary to look forward to in the:

– next two weeks (a night off, a massage, a proper walk)

– next couple of months (a weekend retreat, a mini solo escape)

– next year (something big and bold – India, anyone?)

This is how we stay connected to our aliveness.

This is how we stay connected to what really matters most.

This is how we build a life worth showing up for.

New Year can be a great time with its fresh-start energy, it’s a Celtic “thin place” – where we see our reality a little clearer, especially how short and precious our life is. And I’m all for riding the crest of that wave!

But it's tricky here in our midwinter, typically a time for hibernation… which our modern life pushes against with all it’s might, like pushing a boulder uphill.

So when we try to “start fresh,” we’re doing it with:

– no fuel in the tank

– the emotional hangover of December

– a tired heart

– a tight jaw

– and a body that’s tapping out

It’s like trying to grow a garden in frozen ground.

Take yourself out of the cold – literally – and everything changes.

I especially like getting away the end of January – it’s magic.

You’ve caught up after Christmas.

You’ve survived the darkest weeks.

There’s something luminous in the diary – a lighthouse in the bleak midwinter.

So if your soul has been whispering

“I can’t go into another year like this…”

“Something has to change but I don’t know what…”

Come with me.

End of January.

India.

A week of rest, sun, movement, breath, journalling, and those casual, sacred breakfast conversations that change everything.

Every year, I see it happen - a woman arrives tired, flat, crumbly around the edges…

And by day three she’s belly laughing at breakfast, her shoulders down, her eyes brighter, remembering who she is.

By the end of the week, she knows exactly what needs to shift – not because anyone told her, but because she could hear herself again.

And if India's not your thing, book ‘something’ - anything, now.

Give yourself a lighthouse and let it be the best gift to give yourself this season.

The last two spots are open.

If you’re feeling the nudge, follow it.