Now you See Me, Now you Don't....Midlife Musings
- deborahberrymanyog
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
Updated: 4 days ago
Dear Fragmented One,
I was talking to a friend this week, about my knack for boxing things up neatly and thinking it was strength – the secret to keeping it together. Turns out, it was also how I slowly lost touch with myself.
Back then, I’d call my ability to compartmentalise ‘a superpower’ (great line in job interviews btw!) – especially when life is being ‘lifey,’ from big traumas to inconvenient truths.
It took me decades to realise I wasn’t just boxing up experiences – I was boxing up myself. I’d trot out the “approved” parts of me like performing monkeys – the helpful one, the brave one, the creative and kind one – and shove the rest into the dark: the frightened, the needy, the tender.
And later, as a Yoga Teacher! (gasp!) the messy, sensual, opinionated, ambitious… and my favourite, the angry one, just weren’t invited (only Love and Light here my friend).
I was so good at it, I even managed to misplace parts of myself. “Hmmm, now where did I put that adventurous part? I’m sure it’s around here somewhere!”
You may have misplaced a few parts too – somewhere between doing, coping, and caring for everyone else. And then we wonder… “why don’t I feel whole? Or seen?”
It’s a basic need of every human, to want to be seen as our whole self. But so many of us learned to play hide and seek - because, once upon a time, it felt safer that way: staying quiet to keep the peace, watered down to be liked, trading authenticity for attachment. Then wonder why we feel invisible.
It stings when we don’t feel fully seen, especially by those up close - our partner, friends, or family members. And our first instinct is often to blame them.
"Am I invisible or are they just too wrapped up in their own world to even notice me? Is it really that hard to listen? Or be genuinely interested in me and my experience? They’re so self-centred. They just don’t get me! And a spiritual classic - They’re just not ‘evolved’ enough."But feeling unseen in your relationships doesn’t always mean your person isn’t capable of seeing you. Sometimes my love, it’s because you’ve never really let them see you: not the whole of you.
And I don’t mean hinted, suggested or implied, or sighed under your breath mid conflict - but shown them with your words and actions, your clarity and consistency, with just enough risk to feel tenderness of the exposed. (I like to call this, Vulnerbold!)
Here’s a truthy-truth: we want to be deeply seen, but somewhere along the way we’ve trained ourselves to disappear.
(Notice what happens in your body as you read this)
When we do try to be our full self - in our words, our actions, our tenderness - we’re often braced for impact, half-expecting to be dismissed or rejected. So what comes out isn’t our steady, grounded truth, but a guarded version of it. And that shifts our tone, our timing, our whole energy. People can’t hear us clearly because we’re showing up defended, tentative, not expressed.
And when they don’t quite get it, we take it as proof: see, it’s not safe to be me – it’s not welcomed here. When often, we’re not actually being rejected - we’re anticipating it.
My love, I know this might be hard to hear. Especially if you’ve been doing the work for a long time. This isn’t about blame - it’s about power. When we understand how we’ve been hiding parts of ourselves (even from ourselves!), we can finally stop waiting for someone else to find us.
If you want to feel more fully yourself in your relationships, don’t rush to demand someone else really ‘sees’ you. Start by gently turning inward.
1. Notice. Which part of you felt left out or pushed down recently? The one you filtered, silenced, or left at the door to keep the peace.
2. Hold kindly. Pause, breathe, and feel where she lives in your body. Before anyone else can accept her, you need to be ok with her. Don’t push her away or pretend she doesn’t matter - include her, take care of her, let her know she belongs. Full permission granted to feel what she feels, and need what she needs. This is radical self-acceptance in action.
3. Take tiny, brave steps. Once you’ve met yourself there, bring a little more of that truth into the world - a word, a boundary, a moment of honesty. Small, steady acts of truthy-truth.
Every time we show up a little more fully - even if our voice shakes - we're teaching the world how to see us. That gives our people the best chance of loving us fully and wholly, and that’s no small thing.
It’s taken me 25 years of practice – as a woman, teacher, recovery mentor, and coach – to keep reclaiming the parts of me I’d buried.And it might take a lifetime to recover them fully which is fine by me - because the work of midlife is not becoming better, but becoming truer and more whole, leaving it all on the table – messy, honest, and fully expressed.
I should add at this point: if you have shown up fully - brave, tender, no downplaying or filters - and you’re still not being met? That’s not hiding or being too much, my love. That’s about the system you’re in, and it’s good data. This person cannot see you fully, despite you giving them every opportunity. So then you can decide, how do you want to be in relationship with them?
We’re all learning how to show up more whole. It’s lifelong work and years of deconditioning, but my god is it worth it. Because honestly? I haven’t got the energy to keep shape-shifting to make anybody else comfortable - including me! It’s exhausting.
So here’s to gathering up our scattered parts, dusting them off, and bringing them home - brave, messy, tender, and true.
Picking up the pieces with you.
With love,Deborah 💛
PS You know I love your messages – your comments and DMs are always so heart-warming when I hear how you’re journeying too. So if this hit something today, I’d love to hear from you - which parts of yourself have gone missing, or where do you notice you hide? You can hit reply; I read every message.
