What if it’s not just them…?

Last week’s email and blog sparked A LOT of replies, which for me is always a really good sign - I’m onto a hot topic!

Some women wrote to tell me, “this is exactly me.”, noticing where they are forever, quietly handling things on their own (read: slowly drowning) … without even thinking to ask for support. They’ve unconsciously or consciously given up asking.

And alongside that, I had a number of unsubscribes which, honestly, didn’t surprise me. Because I know I’m going into a sensitive place, And I know that not just from the work I do, but from my own life too.

We're exploring the part of us that believes: “I should be able to cope, I shouldn’t need too much, or I’ll just handle it.”

And because this is a sensitive place, that can flip into, “this isn’t about me … the people around me just don’t show up.”

And my love, that may well be true, and the people around you aren’t stepping up - your partner, your boss, your team. Please hear me say, there are absolutely situations where you’re not being met in the ways you need. I’ve been in those dynamics too - wanting more support and not feeling met in the ways I needed, and it is lonely as hell in there.

But if we stop there, we miss the one place we can actually create change. And the only thing I want for you my beauty, is to stay open to the possibility, there might be another layer here too… one that gives you more agency and puts some of your power back in your hands.

Because that’s the place change becomes possible.

This isn’t about making you wrong, we’re just gently exploring whether there might be more to the picture that gives you a little more room to move.

When faced with something uncomfortable, we tend to do one of two things - we lean in, or we pull away. Neither is wrong, but it does tell us something about where we are.

Because here’s what I want you to understand - if you struggle to ask for support, it’s not random. It’s usually because you’ve become very, very good at the opposite. And by that I mean, at being capable, of holding it together, of anticipating what’s needed and taking responsibility - often more than your fair share.

These are strengths and they’ve likely served you well in many areas of your life. But they also come with a hidden cost.

When you’re the one who always steps in, who keeps things moving, who doesn’t drop the ball, the system around you adapts.

People rely on you, expect it of you and sometimes stop even thinking you might need some help too. And slowly, almost invisibly, you become the one who carries it.

At the same time, there’s often something deeper going on. Many of the women I work with learned early on that needing support wasn’t always safe. Maybe it was dismissed, or it wasn’t available. Often it came with a subtle message of:

“Your value is in helping me” (Mummy’s good little helper)

So you adapt. You learn not to ask too much, not to rely on anyone or need anything. And over time, that becomes identity “I’m the one who handles things.” I can see this so clearly now, but for years, I didn’t recognise it in myself at all.

So when life gets intense now, it doesn’t even occur to you to do anything differently. Not because you don’t want support, but because you’ve never really learned how to ask for it clearly, or receive it without feeling like you’re failing. And how to stay with yourself if it’s not responded to well.

And this is the part that matters.

Because if you’ve asked in the past and felt dismissed, misunderstood, or met with impatience, it makes COMPLETE SENSE that something in you decided “What’s the point?”

So you stop asking, and after a while, it doesn’t feel like a pattern anymore. It just feels like truth “I’m on my own.”

But here’s the shift. If this is something you learned, it’s something you can unlearn. Not overnight, or by forcing yourself to suddenly “ask for more.” And definitely not making this ‘another’ thing you’re getting wrong (lord knows, we don’t need any more in that bucket)

But by starting to see the pattern clearly.

Notice where you over-function, where you take on more than your share, where you don’t even consider reaching out for support… or letting someone else take care of what’s actually theirs.  For now, just notice.

• Where in my life am I quietly handling things on my own… without even considering asking for support?

• What am I currently carrying that might not actually be mine to carry?

Because the moment you can see it, you have a little more choice. And that’s where we begin.

Walking with you on this growth edge,

With love,

Deborah 💛