"I’ll just do it myself (again)"

Dear “I’ll just do it myself”,

Something struck me after the long weekend…how quickly we slip back into it?

After a few days of a slightly slower pace, and then Tuesday arrives and suddenly you’re holding everything again - plans, people, logistics, emotions and just… getting on with it.

And what’s most interesting? We often don’t even think to ask for help.

A few years ago, I spent a small fortune on a coaching programme. It was the biggest investment I’d ever made, and a real stretch for me financially. But I felt a real certainty about wanting to lean into this growth edge, and knew I’d need support to do things differently.

A few months in… I was completely lost and confused. I had wonderful moments of insight and understood what was happening conceptually, but when it came to applying these insights and ideas into real life? It was clunky at best, and honestly, a bit of a shit show at worst – often feeling like things were going backwards, not forward.

Things weren’t progressing as I’d hoped or imagined, and I started to feel frustrated and disappointed. So, I did what I always do - tried harder, with added layers of self-judgement and criticism - an old, learned habit of trying to guilt and shame my way into being better. Yum!

Of course, I got the same result, now with less hope.

I quietly started to distance myself, stopped showing up with the full intention of coming back, once I felt “back on track”.

The familiar inner dialogue kicked in:

“I should be able to do this, “I just need to try harder,

Or “Why am I failing at this? What’s wrong with me? Maybe I’m just not cut out for this, maybe I’m just not the kind of person who can follow through or be braver”

But it doesn’t end there. Oh no, sir’ee. Then came my personal favourite switch “Actually… no. This is their fault. They should KNOW I’m struggling” (Enter, self-righteous anger - right on cue.)

Quiet resentment began to brew - directed at me, at them, back at me and, God damn it ‘the whole system’.

But here’s what I think is most interesting. Notice what I didn’t think.

It never even crossed my mind to ask for help.

Let me say that again. I didn’t even think to ask for help.

Not once. Even though, that’s exactly what I’d paid for. Support, guidance and someone to help me when I got stuck. And still, nothing in me thought to reach out.

And honeslty, that wasn’t new. It was a pattern that’s played out across my life - when my corporate career was draining the life out of me, when my marriage started to crack and break my heart, and the business I loved was taking more energy than I had to give.

Different situations, but the same pattern. Especially in my relationships, where I felt unsupported… while not really letting anyone support me.

All the while, on the outside? I looked like someone who had it all handled.

Sound familiar?

When things get intense, a part of me just doubles down on being competent “Head down, eyes front - suck it up and crack on, I’ll handle this.” There’s no pause, no reaching out, no asking for support (who has time for that?!). Just… push through.

There’s a weird, inner benchmark that “I’ll only ask for help, when the wheels are about to come off. Until then, this circus stays on the road people!”.

And if I’m really honest? There’s also a strange pride in it. Being the one who copes, who figures it all out and doesn’t need too much. Perhaps pride is the wrong word here – it’s more the feeling that, “this is what is expected of me, so I must be doing a good job.”

But the cost? Oh my love, the cost - of feeling alone (again!), of being soul-exhausted. Quietly resentful that no one is stepping in, especially the people we most want it from… while not actually letting anyone all the way in.

It’s something I see often in my clients, in myself and in the conversations I seem to be having everywhere at the moment.

“I don’t have support.”

“I can’t ask, there’s no one who can or will help.”

“I should be able to deal with this.”

With so much love… I can see why it’s hard. But the truth is so often bigger than this.

It’s not always that support doesn’t exist. It’s that somewhere along the way, we stopped reaching for it - habitually, and almost invisibly.

We don’t know how to ask, to receive, to really be supported. Not because we’re incapable, but because no one ever showed us how to do it from a place of steadiness or “this is normal” vs “there’s something wrong with me”, apologising, or trying to earn the right to be supported.

And no one showed us how to stay with ourselves when we didn’t feel met – when it was dismissed, misunderstood or made to feel like we’re asking for too much (so what’s the point?)

If we learned this early… it stops feeling like a choice. It just becomes how you are and feels like truth: “I’m on my own.”

But what if that’s not the whole story?

What if the place to begin… isn’t finding better support? But noticing where you’ve learned not to ask.

Next week, I’ll talk about why this pattern is so common - why so many capable, self-aware women struggle to ask for or lean into support, and why it’s not a personal failing.

For now, just notice where it shows up. No fixing or big conversations. Just noticing.

Because sometimes the most powerful shift isn’t doing more, it’s seeing clearly… where you’ve quietly stopped asking.

Walking with you, as we learn to ask, to receive, and maybe… put the sky down for a minute.

Always with love,

Deborah

P.S. If something stirred as you read this, I’d love to hear - where are you handling things on your own right now, even though part of you knows it's not all yours to carry? You don’t need to explain it perfectly, just naming it can be a powerful step. I read and reply to every message.