Maybe it's not ADHD or menopause. Maybe it's your life.

Last week I was sitting with a coaching client. "I can't work out why I feel so lost and overwhelmed. Is it menopause? ADHD? Trauma? Burnout? Or maybe I'm just not trying hard enough?"

She looked utterly worn out. Not because she hadn't been doing the work. In fact, quite the opposite.

She'd spent the last three years reading, researching, listening to podcasts, tweaking supplements, exploring diagnoses and trying to understand what the heck was happening.

My heart broke, because I hear some version of this question all the time. It makes me sad, and just a little bit mad.

Not because she or women are exploring these things. I think it's a good thing we can do our own research these days and sometimes a diagnosis, label or medication is a huge relief.

I've watched women receive an ADHD diagnosis and finally stop blaming themselves. Suddenly years of struggle make sense. They realise they weren't lazy, flaky, disorganised or failing. They were navigating something real.

But I think there's a second conversation we're missing.

Because alongside all this self-understanding, many women are quietly living lives that would leave anyone feeling exhausted, disconnected and overwhelmed.

A relationship where they can't fully be themselves.

A job they dread every Sunday evening.

Boundaries that exist largely in theory.

A life organised around keeping everyone else comfortable.

A body that is screaming for rest.

A heart that is quietly asking for something different.

And because all of this becomes normal, we often stop seeing it. At least consciously.

The resilience of women never ceases to amaze me. Our capacity to adapt, endure, make it work and carry on. Even when the cost is enormous.

Eventually something deep inside starts to rebel - alarm systems go off. Panic. Exhaustion. Brain fog. The feeling of being lost and endless circling decisions. “This is too much!!! Alert. Alert”.

Feeling fed up, confused and overwhelmed is an appropriate and proportionate response to living in a way that feels like you’re disappearing or suffocating.

(Please read that sentence again)

What if feeling overwhelmed isn't always evidence that something is wrong with you?

What if sometimes it's evidence that something isn't working?

If your life feels like too much, it may be because something about the way you're living is asking for attention.

Now before anyone writes to me, I am absolutely not suggesting diagnoses, medication, or HRT aren't helpful. They can be life-changing!I've seen women experience enormous relief when they finally understand themselves through a diagnosis. Suddenly years of struggle make sense and they stop blaming themselves.

But sometimes I wonder if we've become so focused on understanding and optimising ourselves that we stop examining the life we're living.

A woman is exhausted, lonely, carrying the emotional weather of her entire family, secretly wondering where she disappeared to, and the conversation becomes "Have you tried magnesium?"

(To be clear, I have nothing against magnesium. I take magnesium 😄) But you see my point.

The idea that once we've found the right label, explanation, supplement, medication or patch, we won't need to face the uncomfortable truths waiting for us underneath.

Because sometimes we become so focused on understanding our symptoms that we stop examining the life those symptoms are happening inside. And that can keep us stuck for years.

I know this because I've done versions of it myself.

Not with ADHD, but with personal growth. For years I became incredibly skilled at understanding myself, taking responsibility for old patterns, compassion, parts work and healing.

All useful and all valuable.

But occasionally, I'd use those things to avoid something much braver – like holding someone accountable, expressing a boundary or simply telling the truth.

The growth wasn't the problem, but my hiding inside it was.

And that's the pattern I see again and again. Women waiting for the diagnosis or symptoms to improve before they have the conversation, or the HRT to kick in before they decide what they really want.

Waiting until they feel confident before they set the boundary, or less anxious before they trust themselves.

I get it, it's a very understandable strategy. Because squeezing a drop of gel onto your leg is considerably easier than telling your partner you're unhappy : )

One asks for a prescription, the other asks for courage.

So let me offer you a question.

If I could wave a magic wand and make every symptom disappear tomorrow...what would you have to face?

The conversation you're avoiding?

The boundary you're not setting?

The decision you've been circling for years?

The truth you've known for a very long time?

A client said to me recently “I thought I needed more time. What I really needed was to be more honest and speak up."

Bingo.

And if you're reading this thinking, "Well that's all very well Deborah, but what if I genuinely don't know what's causing what?" - welcome to the club my friend.

Most women I work with don't arrive with clarity.

They arrive with a tangled ball of symptoms, emotions, responsibilities, fears, obligations and unanswered questions.

They're trying to work out what's menopause, what's ADHD, what's burnout, what's grief, what's people-pleasing, what's exhaustion and what's simply the result of carrying too much for too long.

The good news? You don't need perfect clarity before you begin. You don't need to solve the whole puzzle or know exactly what's causing what.

You just need enough honesty to become curious and start asking different questions.

Not just: "What's wrong with me?" but “What feels unsustainable? Where am I disappearing? What truth have I been circling for years?"

Because in my experience, the women who find their way through this season aren't the women who have all the answers. They're the women willing to stay in the conversation - keep listening, keep telling the truth, take one small brave step, and then another.

And slowly, over time, a life that once felt confusing starts to make sense again.

Not because they found the magic potion or fixed themselves. But because they finally started paying attention and took action, one tiny brave step at a time.

And from there, almost anything becomes possible.

Walking through this maze of confusion with you, always with love 

Deborah x