“I can’t keep doing this!” … “Actually, I’m fine.”

I’ve heard some version of this loop a few times in recent weeks, which is usually a sign – we need to talk about this.

Because I’ve been in this place more times than I care to remember - watching yourself go from “I cannot do another year of this” to “It’s really not that bad” without a single bloody thing actually changing.

And see it all the time with women I work with. It can keep us circling in ambivalence for YEARS!

Here’s one of my many merry-go-rounds –

In the last few years of owning my yoga studio, I said some version of “I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS.”

It was usually after another 12-hour day, another staffing crisis, another weekend working, or another friend’s BBQ missed because somebody had left and I was stepping in. Again.

After seven years of Mum’s cancer - diagnoses, appointments, treatments and everything that came with it - followed by her death and then my divorce, I was exhausted.

I felt like I was carrying a huge weight of responsibility – the studio, the staff, the community – and frankly, I’d reached the point where I wanted considerably fewer people needing things from me. Ideally, no one - at least for a wee while.

I’d get to “ENOUGH!” Then talk to friends, think about how to stop it happening again – better planning, obviously! Try and strategise my way through, to become a better, cleverer, more boundaried studio owner.

I’d pull out all stops and get through the crisis (because you do!) and then have a few good days – a brilliant class, a new teacher discovering her voice and a laugh with the team.

The pressure would release and the urgency would pass.

And now that I wasn’t quite so desperate, the reality of what actually might need to change would start to creep in.

What would I do? Sell the studio? Close it? What about my staff? My students? This community I’d spent years building? What does that say about me? (Enter guilt, fear and shame stage-left - Ta-da!)

I also had this cute little narrative running “You created this, Deborah. You don’t get to leave or complain.” And I HAD wanted this.

Trouble was, the woman who’d created it was full of wild dreams, aspiration, energy, tenacity – and an impressive (or unfortunate) habit of taking on enormous amounts of responsibility.

Ten years on, there was a new girl in town. She wanted softer, quieter, more space and had zero interest in holding up the whole bloody world anymore.

And when the immediate crisis had passed, I could see everything I genuinely loved about the studio again, and the cost of changing things suddenly felt much bigger.

Before I knew it...”Maybe it’s not so bad” was driving the bus.

Until the next time.  

I’ve done it in relationships too.

In my marriage, there were times I’d reach ENOUGH! And to feel I was taking action, I’d consume another small library of books and podcasts about relationships, boundaries and god damn attachment styles.

I’d have a difficult conversation – sort of say what needed to be said, but with one eye firmly on getting us back to ‘okay’ as quickly as possible. There’d be promises of change, the enormous relief of reconnecting. And a few months (weeks,… days) later, find myself back in much the same place.

(I’m deliberately not going to tell you the rights and wrongs of my marriage here. There were two people in it, and only one of them is writing this blog.)

But I can tell you about my part.

I can see now, all that learning and ‘understanding’ was sometimes easier than finding out what might happen if I actually changed how I was living inside the relationship.

If I stopped smoothing things over, stopped trying harder. Stopped hiding behind empathy and actually held the boundary - allowed there to be consequences and uncomfortable truths.

Because then I might discover something I desperately didn’t want to know.

What if this truly is what’s available? What if this is how it will be for the next 10, 20, 30 years?

Then I’d have to decide what I was going to do with that reality.

No wonder another podcast looked appealing!

Recently, a woman contacted me in utter desperation “I can’t keep living like this.” She’d been unhappy for years and had reached that point of ‘Enough!’

But when we finally jumped on a call together “Actually, things aren’t quite as bad – I don’t think now is the right time.”

Sound familiar?

Because here’s the loop we can all get stuck in.

You reach ENOUGH!  You talk, journal, research. Look at jobs, houses, courses, retreats, campervans. Maybe email a coach or ChatGPT into the early hours.

And it helps. Of course it bloody helps. There’s hope and possibility and you feel less powerless because finally, you’re doing something.

You already feel better, before anything has actually changed.

Then you sleep well, things get easier at work, or you have a lovely weekend together and he’s trying again.

Saturday’s I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS looks rather dramatic on a Monday morning.

And this is why it gets really confusing.

Which version of you are you supposed to trust?

The one who was absolutely certain something had to change on Saturday? Or the one who, by Monday, is wondering if she’s being dramatic, ungrateful or about to make a massive mistake?

But a good day or week does not erase a pattern that’s been playing out for years. That delicious temporary relief can masquerade as resolution.

And then, of course, there’s the small matter of what actually changing things might cost.

What about money? What if I hurt someone? What if I’m the bad guy here? What if I make a massive fucking mistake?

Sometimes you aren't confused. You're frightened of what clarity might require of you.

I have enormous compassion for this. Like I said, I’ve circled this time and time again myself.

And I also believe waiting until life becomes unbearable, or there's a crisis before taking yourself seriously is a terrible way to live.

Because staying in the loop doesn’t cost nothing.

Another promise to yourself gets broken, a little more self-trust and courage disappears. Hope gets thinner and resentment grows.

But don’t take my word for it. Check in with yourself. Are things genuinely better – or have you just become so bloody good at coping that you barely notice what it’s costing you anymore?

Often you find yourself almost waiting for a good enough crisis – something sufficiently awful that you can finally justify doing something.

An affair, redundancy, a health scare or a huge row. Something that finally gives you permission to say, “See? NOW I have to do something.”

Because then you won't have to wonder if you're selfish, ungrateful, dramatic or making a terrible mistake. The crisis will decide for you.

Oh sweetheart, you don't have to wait for a goddamn crisis.

Your one precious life disappearing down a vortex of despair, while you wait for sufficient justification IS a crisis.

And I'm not telling you to leave your husband, hand in your notice or put your house on Rightmove because you had a terrible Saturday.

Sometimes “not now” really IS wisdom. And sometimes “not now” is simply the quieter part of a pattern you've been living for years.

I know that it can feel like you’re between a rock and a hard place. Stay or Go can both sound awful.

So here's what I want you to remember: There is a whole world between...

BLOW MY WHOLE LIFE UP

and

DO NOTHING.

You can do something, I don't mean more researching, thinking, understanding or talking yourself around the same loop.

• Have the conversation you've been avoiding.

  
  

• Hold the boundary and see what happens.

  
  

• Apply for the job and find out how it feels to be offered an interview.

  
  

• Don’t just to talk about the thing you want, but get help to actually experiment with doing something differently.

Take one small action that brings you into closer contact with reality. Because action gives you information that thinking simply can't.

Maybe you DO need to change your life.

Or maybe you simply need to change how YOU'RE LIVING inside of it.

Either way, underneath all the fear, the shoulds, the second-guessing and the ways you've learned to adapt to keep everything working...

you’re still in there.

There is still a part of you that knows what matters to you, what feels true, what you want more of. The part of you that knows “I can’t keep doing this” isn't necessarily telling you to blow up your life. But she IS telling you to do something.

The work is learning to hear her again. And then, slowly, bravely, building a life from there.

Your life is happening now.

Start there. With one tiny, brave step towards what you already know in your bones.

Walking alongside you – with mucho experience of my own loops,

Deborah 💛