Let’s start with a bang and talk about the F word - Fear.
(I know, I’m like a bundle of joy landing in your feed or inbox today, right!) 😊
Fear. It’s such a small and simple word – you could almost miss it; it seems so innocuous. And this is what makes it so damn sneaky!
It seems to me, talking about fear is a little bit like talking about periods or until recently, the menopause. We kind of skirt around it and pretend it’s not happening, put our big girl pants on to hide the pain, the confusion and utter chaos it can create inside, because god forbid we might say something and make ourselves or someone else feel a little bit uncomfortable.
Which to me, is crazy-making. Because, just like periods and the menopause, how we experience fear completely determines every moment of our lives – how we feel, how we think, all of our decisions and life choices, what we do or don’t do, and how we’re able to show up in our relationships and lives. Or not.
You know, just those small details.
And yet, so often we pretend fear doesn’t exist – masking it over with a more socially palatable reasons for why we are the way we are, why we stay in places, jobs, dynamics, friendships, partnerships, lives that – at best, feel like we’re treading water and going through the motions. And at worst, suck our souls dry to the point of feeling lost and living a half-life, losing the very essence of who we are.
Here’s the thing about fear. It's a powerful and important feeling, a basic survival strategy - gifted to us from the oldest, primitive part of brain which really hasn’t developed since the dawn of humans. The primary job from this part of the brain is to make sure we don’t die. (Thank you, brain!)
The way it prefers to do this, is to stick to things that feel familiar – that way, it already knows we can survive. Which explains why, anytime we do anything unfamiliar, it can sometimes feel like we might die!
Now, if it had its way, this part of the brain would like to keep us in a room at all times, preferably alone and simply fed and watered at regular intervals! Aka, totally safe. And for sure, it’s one way to do things - perhaps we’re even living a pimped-up version of this that includes streaming services and Uber Eats.
Safe? Yes, but I’m sure you’ll agree, it’s not really living. So we really don’t want this part of the brain to be in the driving seat. At some point in our lives, hopefully, we’ll want more than to simply feel safe.
When I work with women in groups or 1-to-1, one of the topics we definitely explore is fear – “tell me what you’re afraid of? If you change career, start a new business, leave the relationship, start a new relationship, move to a new place. What are you afraid might happen?”
We can get pretty creative with our answers – but it usually comes down to these two fundamental things -
😨 Fear I’ll make a mistake, and therefore I’ve failed
😨 Fear I'll disappointing others, and therefore be rejected
And then there’s a beautiful moment when I then ask – ‘and so what?’.
Crickets. A look of confusion – like I've somehow lost my mind and don’t understand the gravity of the situation. But I get it completely, and that’s the point. Because at some point in our history, we decided and now believe to our very core, that the worst possible thing that can happen is we make a mistake, or we disappoint others.
Read that last bit again and see if that feels familiar to you.
And my love, if it does - if it feels familiar, please know it doesn’t mean it’s true! It’s simply the old brain running an old, worn-out story that’s been left unchecked, and might be causing you to die a different kind of death; slowly on the inside.
And perhaps at this stage of life, we should more afraid of not loving and living fully while we were here? We should be more afraid that we won't get to uncover and discover what we're really capable of and who we really are.
Now hang in here, because we’re about to explore the newer parts of the brain (there’s always hope!)
Our more recent brain - the neocortex - is only a couple of million years old, and is responsible for higher level functions like imagination, planning, and reflection. It's super smart, able to process much more complex information and quite likes changes in habit and pattern. It’s open, curious and adventurous, and interested in the more evolved aspects of the full human experience, including meaning, purpose and exploring our full potential as individuals and the collective.
So of course, there is a big argument going on all the time between old brain and new brain, and we have to decide - which one we give our time and energy to? Which one do we feed? This is one of the real benefits of meditation - as is it teaches us how to unhitch ourselves from old animal brain, in favour of the spacious potential of our new brain. A simple and potent practice, but I digress......
So fear is an ever-present reality, heck I’m afraid every single day (you should hear the nonsense that plays out in my mind on an hourly cycle.) It’s honestly why I talk about THE FEAR rather than YOUR FEAR, because we all have it!
And here’s something really interesting to consider! In the Hebrew Bible, there are two different words for fear. The first is Pachad - which is the overreactive, irrational fear that stems from any emotional risk or threat to our fragile self-concept - worrying about what could happen and imagines worst case scenarios. It’s the fear most of us are familiar with.
And then there is Yirah which has three different meanings -
1 the feeling that overcomes us when we grow, expand and inhibit a larger space than we’re used to in Life
2 the feeling we experience when we suddenly come into possession of considerably more energy and personal power than we had before
3 the feeling in the presence of something bigger than ourselves
In other words - it’s fear that helps us to grow, rather than keeping us small.
Creating the life we really want is, in part, about shifting away from Pachad and toward Yirah - stretching out of our comfort zones and into our fullest potential.
And so here’s what I recommend
💛 Get clear about what the fear is. Ask yourself, 'what am I afraid might happen if I change this?'
💛 Acknowledge the fear, and know that it’s just doing its job. "Stay safe, stay small! "
💛 Call the fear out. E.g. “Yep, I might make a mistake and fail. And yes, my decisions may disappoint people. It’s uncomfortable and I’d prefer it didn’t have to happen that way, but I’d still be ok. I’d still be safe, and I’d still be loved. AND I would be real, true to myself and living a life that felt more whole and aligned to who I really am in this season. (Doesn’t it feel good to just claim that!?!)
💛 Now ask yourself, “what happens if I DON’T change this? What happens if I do nothing and stay here or the same for the next 10, 20, 40 years?”
💛 And lastly, in 10, 20 or 30 years, what will you regret if you don’t do it or learn it now?
In her book, Regrets of the Dying, Bronnie Ware – a palliative nurse, reports the number one regret for people at their end of life is “wishing I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
The number one regret of the dying is: “wishing I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
I really don’t want that to be me. And my love, I don’t want that to be you either.
So what would it be like to let the fear of a life unlived, outweigh the fear of change? Try that on, and even let yourself live into the question for a while.
More and more these days, I have the privilege of sitting in spaces with some of the bravest women I’ve ever met. And it’s not that they’re not afraid. We all are!
AND YET, we show up anyway. We do the thing anyway. We say the thing anyway. “Yep, I’m afraid, so what?!” Because on the other side of that discomfort, that moment of freefall, is …….LIBERATION! On the other side is a woman who is free and unapologetically standing in her power. And oh my gosh, that tastes really, really good.
THIS is what I want for you and your life. My darling, you deserve it as much as anyone else on the planet. Ask yourself, "if not now, when? And if not me, then who?"
If the people in your life aren't on board just yet (this takes time), then find folks who can and will inspire and support your growth while you take your first tentative steps.
We all need people who encourage us to be the fullest and truest expression of who we really are. And in time, you can invite the people in your life to grow and stretch alongside you - these are the people you want riding shotgun for this trip of a lifetime.
If you want me along for the ride to inspire, encourage, advise, pep-talk and give you permission slips, then go ahead and book a 30-minute no-obligation discovery call. We’ll quickly get clear on where you might be stuck and how to get unstuck and back in a groove that excites you!
Keep the Pachad fear well and truly in the back seat and take hold of the steering wheel of your life again. Because girl, we’re going on an adventure!
Your fellow wild-child,
Deborah 💛
PS – did this resonate with you? If so, reply and message me – I LOVE getting your messages when something has landed just at the right time!
PPS - know someone who might find this useful? Be a good friend and forward this email to them. It might really help
PPPS - check out Bronnie Ware's 'REGRET-FREE LIVING' - TED Talk HERE