Why You Keep Talking Yourself Out of What You Know

Dear One Circling a Decision,

Here's something that makes the gap between "I know what to do and I'm just not doing it" so darn difficult.

You've got at least two voices in your head (let's be honest, it's often a whole committee!)

One voice says “I want more than this. Something needs to change. I don't want to keep living like this. I'm going to DO something about it.”

Then another voice turns up - usually right before you're about to take meaningful action “Hang on. Is this really a good idea? Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I should wait until..... Things are a bit better now. Maybe I should think about it a little longer.”

So you wait.

And that would be fine, if waiting actually left you feeling peaceful. But it doesn't - the same thing keeps coming back.

You still haven't told your sister you can't keep being the one she calls every time there's a crisis.

The website that's basically ready still isn't live.

You're still eating lunch at your desk despite promising yourself you wouldn't do that anymore.

You're still waiting for your partner to notice how lonely you've been.

And the campervan you bought because you were going to have BIG adventures in it? It's still sitting on the drive.

(Honestly, what is it about campervans? I've heard some version of this three times in the last few weeks.)

And perhaps the most frustrating and heartbreaking bit, is you've stopped quite believing yourself when you say you're going to do something.

Because I'm guessing this probably isn't the first time you've said it.

How long HAVE you been having this conversation with yourself?

Six months?

Five years?

Since the kids were little?

(Someone recently told me, 30 years)

And God, I get it.

Maybe this is why I feel so strongly about this. I've known this place in my own life - knowing something couldn't carry on as it was, while being bloody terrified of what change might ask of me. I watched my mum do it, the people I love and I see versions of it in my work all the time.

Not ruined lives. Just lives put on hold, or quietly made smaller because we're afraid of what might happen next.

Busy, full, functioning lives. And yet still a sense of “I know there's more in me than this. I don't want another ten years like this.” 

All that unlived life, gah! It makes me mad.

Not at you, obviously. At how much life it can cost us.

And perhaps that's when another question starts getting harder to ignore "How long am I prepared to keep doing this?

It's around here that I often ask friends, coachees and people I mentor – half joking, half absolutely not:

Are you sick of yourself yet?

I don't mean are you sick of who you are? (You're adorable, I dont care what anyone says!)

I mean, are you finally sick enough of this particular pattern that you're ready to do something differently?

God, I do hope so!

Because that frustration can actually be a very good place. It's the moment “I really should do something about this” starts becoming “ENOUGH! I'm done having this same bloody conversation with myself.”

Your tolerance for your own coping strategy is running out, Hurrah!

That doesn't mean the scared/cautious/unsure part of you is wrong.

Maybe she has a point. Maybe there ARE things you don't want to risk or lose. Maybe you aren't ready for the enormous leap, especially if you're exhausted.

But neither does she get to keep you stuck and circling forever and a day.

You don't need absolute certainty. You dont need to wait until you feel ready, or for the right time (good luck with that!) And you don't need to find the energy to change your whole life.

But you do need MOVEMENT.

Just enough for the next honest thing.

That might be leaving, quitting, moving or starting again.

Or it might simply be to stop pretending you're fine and saying one true thing. Finding out what's actually possible, or making one small bit of room for yourself.

One step that takes this out of your head and into your actual life.

There's a whole world between blowing up your life and staying exactly as you are.

This is the gap at the heart of so much of my coaching work - between knowing what matters and actually living like it matters.

We explore why you can feel absolutely clear one day and talk yourself out of it the next, and how to take a grounded step towards what matters without waiting for absolute certainty.

You don't need to arrive knowing exactly what to do.

That's rather the point.

See you there,

Deborah x

PS. I'm guessing you have someone in your life who's been stuck here for a while (or forever) - a friend, sister or woman you love who's having some version of this conversation with herself?

Just forward this and say “This made me think of our recent conversation. Thought you might like it x”

Sometimes that's enough 💛