This week, I said a final goodbye to one of my dearest and closest friends. Dears, my heart is broken beyond belief. There’s a unique ache in losing a friend and nothing prepares you for this kind of devastating loss. It’s a deep and tender grief that feels like it has no roadmap; I can’t quite wrap my heart around this yet.
And this bright star was someone very special indeed. Her name was Katie. You’d have loved her, everybody did!
Katie was such a force of nature—fiercely loyal, deeply kind, and endlessly curious (my favourite kind of person). She loved life with an intensity that made you believe in its magic. Over the years we danced at festivals, went to yoga classes and India retreats, journeyed together through marriages, divorce, building and letting go of businesses, fertility treatment and loss, and ultimately a cancer diagnosis. But my favourite of all is simply the hours we spent talking – on a sofa, a park bench, on a walk or the hundreds of voice notes that became mini podcasts (played on double speed second time around, as we’d inevitably forget what was said!) We went deep and wide, and every moment with her was rich with meaning and laughter.
These past few years I’ve sat front row as she approached cancer with the same courage and authenticity that defined her. She ran towards life, even in this dark time, and became brighter and more fully herself. Even during these past 6wks at the end of her life, when things were at times a living nightmare, her life force was FULLY ON, and she did it her way.
I’ve thought and talked about friendship a lot over recent years - what it is to have a friend and be a friend – because in my 40s I had an epiphany; that friends have truly been the great loves of my life.
These precious souls are carefully handpicked and once in, are treasured dearly. They are people who CHOOSE to make themselves available to you, to support and love you, to celebrate and witness you, and at times, simply put up with you. No ring, no contract or explicit vow, no familial expection. Everything you do with that person on this planet is voluntary - for free and for fun. I find that so damn incredible!
My friendships are a roomie kind of love; one where demands are super low but on point. And the love, support, care, patience and acceptance is ridiculously high. We are witnesses to each other’s lives – through relationships that thrive or come to an end, careers that rise and fall, family dynamics that are complicated and messy as hell. Our struggles, our hopes, our quirky ways and neurosis, the mistakes and growth, gains and losses…the whole damn lot. All the while, just wanting them to be happy, for them to be the fullest, most real, alive and truest expressions of themselves.
This is why friendship, for me, IS the greatest love—it’s a spacious, unconditional connection that holds the soul-journey and authentic self as sacred: as THE MOST important thing! And I’ve yet to truly find this kind of love outside of friendship. It’s why I’ve chosen not to partner these past few years as, paradoxically, it’s through friends I’m learning how to love really well.
I know this flies awkwardly in the face of our cultural narrative that force-feeds romantic love as the most desirable kind of love, closely followed by familial - and I make no apologies for that. (As an aside, I think Snow White should definitely have stayed with the 7 dwarfs - they seemed like much more fun, didnt they?!)
And yes, maybe I just haven’t found ‘the one’… that could be true. Or perhaps the way we (I) idealise romantic love—laden with so much hope and unconscious expectations - just brings disappointment. The way we're taught to prioritise preserving that relationship at all costs, even if it means sacrificing our own peace and happiness, our need to grow and fully be ourselves at it's sacred alter. It’s a narrative that feels misaligned for me and can set us up for failure.
I’m not for one moment saying there’s anything wrong with romantic love (oh my goodness, I LOVE, love!) or assuming this applies to anyone else. But for me, friendship has offered a deeper, more unconditional kind of love—spacious and freeing. Perhaps it has for you too?
And so today, as well as learning how to be a friend, I’m learning how to lose a friend: a great love. It feels like an uncharted grief—less recognised, but no less profound. There are so many resources and groups for partners, parents and siblings and children, but not for friends - and so I guess that leaves us to forge our own paths through these brutiful heartaches.
If you’ve lost a friend, my heart is truly with you. 💔 I believe we never get over it, but simply learn how to live without them here in this form - discovering a new, ongoing relationship.
And if your friends are here riding shotgun, my heart is so with you too. How truly lucky we are! 👩❤️👩
And whether here or passed, I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories on friendship, as a way of honouring them and this precious kind of love.
Share a note below 👇 to inspire me and others, or DM me if you prefer a little privacy.
What I know in my bones is this: when loved and nurtured and cared for, our friends are our homes. And how lucky I am and we are to have so many beautiful ones all over the world.
I am so deeply, heartbreakingly grateful to each and everyone – especially you, my darling Katie!
All love to you, always
Deborah