Tiny Promises we Keep Breaking to Ourselves

Dear one who - I swear to god, is really doing her best,

Last week I broke a promise to myself. It seems like a tiny thing, but it wasn’t - not really.

I’d arranged dinner with a wonderful woman I’d been meaning to spend time with for ages. Our diaries had made it tricky, so when we finally found a day that worked, there was excitement.

Then when she said “I can get there for 7.30pm” - my heart sank, as I knew we wouldn’t eat until 8pm.

My body gave a clear ‘no way!’ But before I'd even really registered it, I heard myself saying, "Great! See you then."

It happened so fast, with no pause or negotiation. I simply overruled that part of me that just hates eating late.

I left the conversation with a tiny knot in my stomach because I knew I'd just let myself down: it's an old, familiar taste.

It's so fascinating to me, how quickly I inconvenience myself to avoid inconveniencing someone else!

Now, anyone who knows me, knows I love an early night. It’s not just the joy of crawling into bed around 9pm, but EVERYTHING in my life is significantly improved when I’ve had a good sleep and a slow, spacious morning.

I think better, make healthier decisions, have good energy and show up as the version of me I really want to be - for me, my students, clients and the people I love.

Heck, even for Sally my lovely local greengrocer, who gets a smile and heartfelt ‘how are the kids doing?’

Which is exactly why this bothered me so much. Sleep isn't a nice-to-have for me. It's one of the foundations that everything else rests on.

It looks like a promise about good sleep, but it's actually a promise to take care of myself. To listen when my body quietly says, "This isn't what you need today."

Sleep just happened to be the place that promise showed up.

I said yes because I wanted to be easy. And by that, I mean accommodating, not the awkward one, not the one making life difficult. It's an old pattern that may take a whole lifetime to unlearn - but unlearn it, I will.

Because ultimately, the only person I end up making life difficult for, is me.

So that ‘tiny’ decision to say yes, was like an annoying fly in my ear all week. Every time I was in my diary organising things, there it was – “I can’t believe you booked this, what were you thinking?" All the while, convincing myself it would be ‘fine’.

Of course, we had a great time and I enjoyed myself thoroughly, but the niggle wouldn’t shift.

Inevitably I got to bed late and lay awake digesting for ages. And of course, woke up exhausted the next morning, with a part of me grumpy and fuming "I told you so." 😂

So it’s tiny, but it’s not. And whether I repeat or disrupt this pattern matters.

Because my ability to do brave things is built on whether I believe my own word. This wasn't really about sleep, it was about whether I honour the things I say matter.

And any self-betrayal where it matters can feel like a one-two sucker-punch, because I’m both the one who didn’t follow through AND the one who’s been let down: the betrayer and the betrayed. Ouch!

This is problematic, because like all relationships, the cost is disappointment and distrust. "I've stopped relying on you."

Imagine someone in your life constantly saying "I'll be there." "I'll do it tomorrow." "You matter."

And then quietly letting you down. Once? Fine. Ten times? I'm guessing (hoping) you'd probably stop believing them.

Or a hundred times? Inevitably the relationship would begin to change, and eventually the trust is gone.

Why do we think it's any different with ourselves?

We do this all the time - break promises to ourselves, where we put everyone else first and treat commitments to ourselves as optional, ‘nice-to-haves’.

Mine happened to look like a late dinner. Yours might look like another hour scrolling instead of going for the walk,

or saying yes (again) when you were definitely going to say no to prioritise building your website.

Or telling yourself you'll get back on your mat tomorrow, then reneging because someone needed something.

Or staying quiet one more time, when you promised yourself you’d definitely say something next time.

We think it doesn’t matter because nobody knows. Our friends and family don’t know, or our students and clients. And Instagram certainly doesn't know.

But we know.

And these invisible promises are shaping how much we believe in ourselves to follow through on what we say matters, even when no one is watching.

Very quickly, those tiny acts of self-betrayal can turn into an unfriendly inner dialogue.

"Why do I keep doing this?"

"Next time I'll do it differently...(...although, let's be honest, I probably won't.)

"Maybe I just don't have the discipline."

"Maybe I'm not brave enough."

"Maybe this is just who I am."

And poof, just like that, we've travelled all the way from, "I wish I hadn't done that," to, "Maybe this is just who I am."

No wonder hope and self-trust starts to disappear.

Most of us think the big decisions define us. I don’t think they do.

I think it’s the (seemingly) tiny promises we make to protect what matters most - our health, our peace, our wholeness - and whether we honour them when no one else even knows they exist.

That gap between our private promises and following through is where self-trust either grows or dies.

On the flip side, every tiny promise you keep is another £5, £5, £5 quietly deposited into your self-trust account (with compounding interest!).

Then one day life asks you to make a £100,000 withdrawal, you’ve got enough in the bank. You’ve become the woman who can trust herself with the big decisions.

Leaving the marriage.

Changing careers.

Saying the thing

Travelling alone.

Walking Away

Starting the business. Closing a business.

Putting the cottage on a long-term let :)

You don't suddenly become brave that day. You've been rehearsing bravery in tiny moments for years. So anything becomes possible, because there’s a knowing and a bank full of evidence - whether you stay or go, succeed or fail - you will be ok. You know you’ve got your own back.

And that, my love, is REAL freedom.

My loves, not that you need it, but here’s full permission to practice honouring your tiny, brave promises this week

Walking with you in the Wild, always with love

Deborah 💛

P.S. If this landed and you want to make something visible as a way to disrupt the pattern, you can hit reply and finish this sentence "The promise I keep making and breaking with myself is..."

It can be tiny, but we know the tiny ones matter.

I really do read every one, and I have a feeling we might all realise we're far less alone than we think.

PPS If someone popped into your mind while you were reading this, send it to her. You don't need to explain why, a simple, "This made me think of you 💛" is more than enough.