Seven days of silence and THIS is what came up…

Grab a cuppa for this one, my love. It's a slightly longer wander than usual, but there are three questions in here I think are worth lingering over.

I spent last week on silent retreat, which I realise sounds either blissful or completely bonkers, depending on who you ask.

Taking time to ‘retreat’ (aka pull back) in whatever way is possible has been a touchstone for me for over 20 years, and one that's become even more sacred as I've got older – especially as someone who holds space for others.

It gives me enough space to step out of the momentum of the everyday, and look at the life I'm creating with fresh eyes and a clear, brave heart.

I always go secretly hoping for lightning-bolt insights, and that does happen….. sometimes.

But more often, life's sweet grace hands me back something much quieter. Not answers, but the same questions again and again.I think she knows I’ve got a lot on my plate and limited capacity in this heat and menopause. And so with love says “sweetheart, love your enthusiasm – but really, I think this is all you can handle right now;) Touché!

These are the questions I'm (still!) living into. I’m sharing them as it helps me metabolise, and maybe they’re questions you’re living into too.

On Belonging

This keeps coming up for me in recent years - a deep longing for belonging, and thinking about what that really means, as I change and grow.

It goes without saying, I want people to choose me, love me, miss me and make room for me. Of course I do, how very human of me! I think belonging to your people is important, essential and deeply nourishing.

But I also know I can't hand anyone else the job of deciding whether I'm worthy of belonging. That my friend, is a fast track to anxiety and a lifetime of trying to read the room - an exhausting way to live.

S L O W L Y, I've come to understand that looking for belonging "out there" – friends, family, partner, communities - is only half the story.

The other half is much harder. It's learning how to FULLY belong to myself.

(There’s also a whole other conversation here about belonging to nature and Life itself. But good lord, one existential question at a time.)

By Belonging to myself, I mean being the truest version of myself. Holding centre and honouring that truth, even when (or especially when!) it's inconvenient, messy, uncomfortable or comes at a cost.

And perhaps harder still, including and loving the whole shebang of me, no matter how well or how poorly I believe I'm showing up in life.

Because a big part of belonging out there is knowing that even when we mess up, fall short or make mistakes, we're still loved - still wanted and cared for. Still welcomed home with open arms.

How well do I give that same unconditional welcome to myself?

This is the heart of it.

Because I can't truly belong out there while rejecting the bits I find harder to love in here - the messy, frightened, jealous, needy, angry, not-at-her-best bits.

I still catch myself sometimes, telling myself what I'm feeling isn't okay, or dismissing what I want is "selfish" or "wrong" – often to avoid that horrible feeling of knowing someone is disappointed in me.

And I can be particularly unforgiving when I find myself back in an old pattern I thought I'd dealt with years ago. "Seriously? This again? I should be over this by now. Surely, after all this work, I should be a little more evolved than THIS?"

(Apparently, even personal growth can become another place where I can refuse to accept myself exactly where I am. Sigh.)

Because it's impossible to feel truly at home with other people while continually evicting yourself from your own life.

But when I stop doing that, when I stop trying to prove myself or push parts of myself away, something interesting happens. I begin seeing my relationships differently.

Not only through the lens of "Do they like me? Do I belong here" But...

Do I like who I become when I'm with them?

Can I be my whole self? Do I feel more myself... or less?

Do I leave feeling expanded, or edited?

Those have become much more useful questions.

On trusting myself

Every. Single. Time I’ve trusted my quiet, inner knowing, it has always worked out for the best. Not just okay, but better than I could have ever imagined.

Even when there’s been a huge relational, social or financial cost (sometimes all three), I've never regretted those decisions. Not once.

When I get quiet and still, I know the answer, I know what to do – even if the answer is simply, “wait my love… more is being revealed” (patience has never been my thing).

The compass for my life definitely can’t be found in podcasts or books, workshops or even the eyes of a well-intended, dear friend. They can be useful tools, but ultimately I’ve just got to get quiet enough to hear it, and brave enough to live it.

So perhaps this is the question I'm most interested in now:

Where do I need to be even braver? Not the loud, visible kind that gets noticed or applauded. I've done plenty of that.

I'm more interested in the quieter kind of brave most folks don’t really see - not hiding, not performing, not proving. Just standing steady in who I am and what I know to be true. The brave that doesn't rush in to explain, justify or make someone else more comfortable. The brave that means I take up my full place in my own life.

Where am I still hiding, or proving?

What might I do, change or let go of if I remembered how much I can trust myself?

And who might I become if I lived from that knowing more often?

On Obsession

This made me laugh a lot in the week (quietly to myself, of course). My ‘thinking’ mind is always obsessing about something. It’s a problem seeking, problem fixing missile. A bit like those dogs you see playing with a toy – they throw it across the room, then go fetch it, feeling very pleased with themselves. That’s my mind to a T – over and over.

It's looking for certainty, or control, or something to chew on. And if there isn't a genuine problem, it has nooooo problem making one up! By day 3, boredom had sunk in, so off it went looking for a new obsession.

I really miss my big garden, should I move house?

Was I really rude to that person in 2007?

Am I getting enough rest? Too much rest?

Should I completely reinvent my business?

On and on…honestly, it's exhausting in here.

But this is what minds do. So I don’t think the question is “How do I stop obsessing or thinking?” (good luck with that !) It’s “can I choose something worthy of my attention?”

What would be a good thing to get obsessed about?

What might become possible if I gave as much attention to what I want to create as I currently give to what I'm trying to fix?

I don't think it really takes a retreat to step back from your life to take stock. Just enough space and quiet, wherever we can find it, to hear ourselves again.

Writing this, I realise I've been pretty much asking some of these questions for twenty years. They're not disappearing. I'm just meeting them as a different woman each time.

And these days, I’m much more comfortable living into questions, not being too sure of the answers. Things become clear when they’re ready. Or I’m ready.

Maybe that's one of the gifts of getting older too. Less frantic searching for THE answer, more willingness to stay close to myself while something unfolds.

Not bad questions to carry home with me.

I’ve no doubt I'll forget all of this 100 times before the next retreat. I'll get caught up in life, disappear down a completely unnecessary rabbit hole, look outside myself for an answer I already know and probably try to be more "evolved" than I actually am.

And then I'll remember.

That, my love, is the practice. Drift and return, remember and forget. Every time, perhaps holding centre just a little longer than before.

Not finally becoming the woman who has it all figured out. But becoming the woman who knows how to come back home to herself, again and again.

Walking alongside you, still very much in the questions,

Deborah 💛

P.S. As always, I’m genuinely curious ….which question you're living into at the moment. Maybe some or all of these, or something completely different. Hit reply and share any thoughts. No answers required :)