“I feel so lost, like I don’t know who I am anymore”. My heart breaks open in identification, as I hear her share this with so much shame and sadness in her eyes. Despite the successful career she's built, and the wonderful family, she has no idea how she got here (and it's not a great place to hang out tbh!). I know this place all too well, and it can feel like a private pit of despair, full of confusion and fear.
I smile gently. Because while this is a place of a deep and quiet suffering, I also know this moment is the birthplace of something new and wonderful that’s about to happen IF she’s willing to listen to herself and find the courage to walk through the fire. It’s not easy, but my goodness it is SO WORTH IT!
As I was working with a woman earlier this week, this quote came to mind which I've always loved:
“The part of you that loves you more than anything else has created roadblocks to lead you to yourself….That part of you loves you so much that it doesn’t want you to lose the chance. It will go to extreme measures to wake you up, it will make you suffer greatly if you don’t listen. What else can it do? That is its purpose.” A H Almass
There is nothing that hurts us more than being out of alignment with who we truly are. This can be in really obvious ways, such as knowing we’re in the wrong job or relationship, or perhaps self-sabotaging and addictive behaviours. But so often it’s in much more subtle ways - presenting a shiny-happy avatar of ourselves to the world, people pleasing, saying yes when we mean no, and always trying to be the good-person in other people’s minds.
Each time we fall into these mis-guided efforts for connection and belonging, there is a self-betrayal that happens inside that cut us to our very core. And this is where the confusion lies: while trying so hard to do ‘the right thing’, we’re left feeling so bad on the inside. At best, it’s a dull ache, prevailing sense of discontent or restlessness. Or if it’s really bad, then there’s simply numbness: we have left the building. It’s hard to feel any joy or feeling of aliveness in any of these places.
In some ways, the obvious misalignments are simpler to tackle (and I’m not for a moment suggesting easy!) as the pain becomes acute enough that eventually we’re likely to act and make a change. But my sense is the more subtle ways can be more dangerous. Because here, when we’re ‘kind of’ in alignment or ‘kind of’ happy, the pain is more subtle and less obvious, covered up by the story of our lives look great on the outside, “so what’s the problem?”
And that my friend, in that chronic slightly disgruntled state where we ‘should’ be happy, is the place we can stay for years, maybe even decades - convincing ourselves everything is FINE, which truly breaks my heart. Because the price we’re paying is a sense of wholeness and being fully alive, a true connection with ordinary joy and inner freedom. But you can’t put any of that on ‘The Gram’, right?
Some signs you're not in alignment
🥱 BORED & UNFULFILLED
Life feels dull like it's lost its spark. You're constantly busy doing all the things; things you once really wanted for yourself but it doesn't quite pack the punch you thought it would. You desire to be satiated by life, for it to feel good to your soul but instead, you're busy... yet bored because it feels so empty.
😩 BURNOUT
You're tired basically all the time. The things you love sound good but executing on them feels tiresome. You're craving balance and deep rest; And by deep rest I mean, one day of being a couch potato is NOT going to cut it.
You've ignored your intuition for so long that your soul is running on fumes in your energetic gas tank.
😠 MOODY
You are irritable AF. You don't mean to be snappy but you can't help it. You love the people around you dearly, but they are one request or a " loud chew" away from you losing your sh*t.
Your needs haven't been met and you are rightfully not pleased about it!
😒 JUDGY
All your flaws are becoming more apparent. You're criticising yourself when you look in the mirror. Overthinking and intrusive thoughts about yourself throughout the day "I should be doing more..." "What is wrong with me..." Why can't I just...." "They probably thought you were so weird..."
Or you're judging others... maybe for being too much or not being enough. "Who does she think she is..." "Must be nice..." "Quit bragging..." or "She gained weight..." "What was she thinking with that outfit..."
You hold others to the beliefs you hold for yourself. What you judge about others is a direct correlation to how you feel about yourself or what you desire.
🔥 WANTING TO BURN IT ALL DOWN & START OVER
You built this life, you wanted it all at one point and now it's lost its luster. Your old self wanted this so bad yet your present self doesn't feel a lick of gratitude for it. Maybe you've outgrown it, or maybe it was all built in the vein of your ego and never aligned in the first place.
All are a sure sign we've lost our way and need to course correct.
My entire practice and everything I’ve taught for the past 20 years is about bringing ourselves back into full alignment with our deepest self, our power and our truth. Yoga practice is a perfect illustration of this – when we take time to intentionally align the joints and bones ‘just so’ there’s a power and force and flow that moves easily through the body. We can feel it and it changes everything! And the same is true for our lives.
Whatever our practice is – yoga, meditation, walking, therapy, journalling - is not simply to be well, not for me at least. Our practice is so we can live fully! So we can feel the joy and pulse of life run through us and into our relationships and the world.
The most important project you'll ever work on is you. Take a breath and let that sink in for a moment. You have to live with you for the rest of your long and beautiful life. And if you haven’t already, I EMPLORE you to take a pause this summer and spend some time creating a system of support with practices and people who help you become your fullest self – who can show you when you’ve left yourself (again!) and help you come back to centre. Truthfully this is all that matters. This where the magic happens.
Having worked with dozens of women over these past 20 years, I know the practice of alignment brings up more questions than answers, at least in the beginning. “Who IS the real me? I don’t even know any more! What DO I really want?” And it’s good to know that asking good questions IS the beginning of the journey.
This is the process I love to curate and support with others – there is nothing that brings me more joy than to see someone move from STUCK to FLOURISHING, becoming more fully and unapologetically themselves!
I’ll share more on this process in my musings next month - the art of digging and tilling, pruning and planting. But my love, we don’t have to wait until then, we can start right here today. So as you move through these coming days, keep looking for the big and tiny, subtle ways you’re not being completely yourself – a slight exaggeration here, a minimising and downplaying there. These moments aren’t to be judged, but simply recognised as useful warning lights – like a dashboard – “here, look this way!”.
These beacons of light will show you where you’re afraid, where you’re keeping yourself safe and small to make others feel more comfortable – and that my darling, is the bittersweet gold dust that with help create your new inner freedom. And my gosh, I want that for you (and me) so, so bad!
See you along the path my brave seekers!
Go lightly, and always, ALWAYS with love
Deborah 💛
PS - I have two spots coming up in my Mentoring and Coaching. If you want some help getting clear on your specific situation and challenges, along with great tips, tools, and fab ideas for finding your way back to what matters most, send me a message.
Here's what some of the women I've been working with have shared:
"It's only been a few weeks and I can already see I've grown so much"
"I can feel myself coming back, like I'm ME again!"
"This has hands down been the most powerful personal work I've ever done. Thank you"
"I thought that this is just what happened as you get older. But my gosh, I feel so full of life and I'm excited about the things I'm creating again."
PPS - know someone who might find this useful? Please go ahead and forward this email to them.